Welcome To The Pub

1._lucy_does_a_tv_commercial (1)I’ve decided I’m gonna be a bit freer on this here blog. I’m feeling a bit more isolated than usual these days and I feel like I need to connect/write/talk more.

Truth is, I don’t get out as much as I used to. Skye is often CLOSED or some shit. I sign up for things out of the house that are canceled. For reasons. Like I’m the only one interested.

I get very excited when my PAs arrive in the morning. (I have two people who come in on different days to help me Isla-wrangle.) The mothering is mine, because she is, but there’s some physical shit that I can’t do. I’d like to do ALL THE THINGS and worry every day that I am not ENOUGH. And if you’d like to bash me for having someone open her juice or cut her strawberries, or lift her out of the bath, then go ahead. Because it’s nothing worse than I’ve said to myself.

Whoah. Tangent. Sorry, not sorry.

My point is. I get excited when PEOPLE come in to my house.

I’m like HI PEOPLE. Allow me to tell you ALL THE THINGS. I can be a bit full-on. Sorry, really sorry. I even annoy myself.

And so. I’m here. Hi.

Some current truths:

Isla and Neil are indeed my everything. I’m trying to work on that, so I don’t annoy them. And so I get myself back. But for now. There’s us.

I miss my friends. In Edinburgh. In New York. Anywhere that I am not.

Every time Neil goes away for work weeks, I feel bad. I miss him, yes. I know he’s working for us, yes. I know it could be worse. He’s not in the military. I mostly feel bad because everyone hauls out their calendars to make sure I’m ‘covered’ overnight. In case I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Which has never happened. *knocks on head, like it’s wood.*

My pre-and-postnatal Anxiety has never gone away. These days, it’s Generalised. Which is a heap of fun. I take a teeny tiny green-and-yellow thing called Prozac with my morning coffee.

I used to cry every day. Worry that I haven’t memorised Isla’s face enough. I still do those things. But now I’m medicated. The crying jags are shorter.

The coffee is stronger and I do three cups a day.

I ask Neil to hide the junk food, and then get mad when I can’t reach the cheese balls. And the marshmallows. But I never eat them together.

I worry that I sit too much. And I feel bad when I stretch out on my bed.

I get really involved in TV shows and books after Isla goes to sleep. I’m taking it almost personally that Bloodline is canned after season 3.

And it sucks that Neil has another Edinburgh week this week. And he had one last week. And we won’t be together for our wedding anniversary on Thursday. I should grow up. It could be worse. But it still sucks.

So, that’s all my shit for now.

How are you?

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31 thoughts on “Welcome To The Pub

      1. Thank you! Lorna it was a great day! I posted all about it.. it’s on the big up your blog thread at the top today if you want to see pics!!!

  1. All of that, for starters. Except the Prozac; antidepressants and I never got along, so I just white-knuckle it. (And occasionally cry all day, and/or blow up at our FB group.) Yes, even the snack thing, because R is 6’3″ and can reach things I can’t even touch on a stepstool. Though I do not ask him to hide the chocolate; he hoards it.

    I am feeling at odds with everyone this week. I don’t know if it is PMS or depression or them and not me, but I have clashed (or at least not connected) with almost everyone. And I am wondering what is wrong with me as a result.

    My kids have been stereotypical siblings this week, and rebellious little stinks. My patience has more runs than my tights.

    I am at the stage of lonely where I am tempted to strike up conversations with people I cut out of my life years ago, but so far I have resisted the urge.

    My parents are in poor health. Which reminds me that they are old, and that all too soon I will be alone. This does not help my loneliness.

    I was passed over for a job I really wanted this week, one I thought I had a great shot at, which has seriously shaken my faith in myself. But I got another one — a part-time contract gig — so all is not lost (yet). Instead of having to decide between in-home child care and a daycare, I will be getting up at 5 a.m., working til 9 a.m., taking care of my kids (and parents) all day, then squeezing in the rest of my freelancing while Kai naps and after R gets home from work. It will probably mean working 7 days a week for a while, and getting very little sleep or time to myself. R is also working 7 days a week through the end of June (at least).

    The thought of this juggling act is a little daunting, but I suppose after a while I will get used to it.

    It’s amazing what you can get used to, isn’t it?

  2. I’m so glad you are writing. I’m so glad that Isla has a mummy who listens to her and loves who she is even when she is a pill. This is what I treasure about my own mom. That she wanted to know me, and she did and stilll does. Though she must have done it hundreds of times, I don’t have a single memory of her lifting me from the bath.

    I’m sorry your dear Neil has to be gone so much. Frustrasted with you that your town isn’t coming through for you. Dummies!

    Keep writing. You are good at it. Very good.

  3. Take about ten very long breaths, kiss Isla on the lips and go outside together,put your beautiful face in the sun,and think only good thoughts for awhile. This will work until reality returns.ooxx

  4. Sorry, you are feeling a bit isolated. Happy to help keep your mind off things with comments. Tell me where Skye is. I have heard of it, but not quite sure where it is. I also love strong coffee. No milk no sugar for me.

  5. I’m not very familiar with Skye, but here’s what I did when I needed company. I started a group for writers once a month. It’s not a critique group, it’s more of a support group, I suppose, but we meet, have coffee and compare notes, help each other out, encourage each other etc. We’re all kinds of writers, all ages, and we set ourselves a writing goal at the end of each meeting. At the beginning of the next one we say how we did. It’s amazing what actually gets done. Stuff submitted, editors found, last chapters written. Maybe something like that might work for you? If not in person, via SKYPE conference call. Just a thought.

  6. Honest post, Lorna. We’ve all been there. I feel that you’re strong though just from the voice of your post. If you ever need any recommendations for reading or binge watching some shows. I’m your girl. I’ve watched a ton of them. Yes. I was a Bloodline addict as well! In fact, I wrote a post listing some good ones. I actually did two posts. Here’s one link: https://wordpress.com/posts/lisaorchard.wordpress.com?s=confessions+of+a+binge+watcher

    Here’s the other: https://lisaorchard.wordpress.com/2017/03/26/need-some-down-time-check-these-films-out/

    And if you ever want to chat. Just let me know. 🙂 Hugs!

  7. I think we’ve all had those days, weeks, months, even years where we’re just not the selves we want to be. It gets better, though. It takes time. I know from experience, but it does. My circumstances may have been different, but it was rough sailing for a while.

  8. I hear you on using our blogs as a measn of connecting with others. Although I’ve become a cave-dwelling introvert who thrives on prolonged periods free of peopling, I too need to maintain connections.
    However, I can see the enthusiasm and inspiration that you exude (even through the interweb). Stuff that good deserves to be shared in person.

    1. Is it froofy like Julia Cameron? I used to be able to deal with that, but not so much any more. I only got as far as Eat and Pray on Eat, Pray, Love

  9. You can write & share your feelings to the world. sometimes lot many things pile up and we just dunno where & what to start! It may take sometime but will be better for sure!

  10. Hi there! I am feeling a bit like this at the moment. I’m a new mum, and feel a bit sad from time to time, actually most of the time. I don’t get out much but glad that we have social media to connect and make friends. Being a mum is the best thing but also prevents me from having a social life! House chores are piling up and parenthood and changed my relationship with the hubby. Don’t know where I’m going with this but just wanted to say you are not alone!!!

    1. Congratulations! Those best friends I miss now are the ones I made at a baby group when Isla was a baby-baby. You’re not alone, either. Your tribe is waiting to find you, too.

  11. Yeah I feel like that a lot of the time too. Most of the time there is only me and n=my daughter and hardly no one comes to see us anymore. So we are alone like you and spend our time reading and playing games besides online classes. Get out once a week to shop and for appointments.

  12. Hello from Another World: Florida. Your site and reading “stuff” is delightfully refreshing in the time and world of non-readers. I refer you to my blog, of course, where I do make some comments about reading and love of reading–and some references to Joseph Epstein. Please do take a look. Your list wears me out just reading about your turning pages. :o) htpps://www.memoriesofatime.blog

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