The Dentist

By the time I was 17, I’d had five years of braces, all four wisdom teeth taken out and two root canals, which were the result of my over-zealous orthodontist and his too-tight braces.  Anyway.

Like lifts, if I were afraid of dentists, I’d be screwed.  I’m not afraid of them.  Even with all my previous ‘work’, I hadn’t had a regular old lay-off-the sugar-please cavity, until my new dentist found two last month.

I know the difference between good dentists and bad dentists.  I liked my old one.  My new one is a sadist.

The only time I read tabloids is when I’m in a waiting room.  I was flipping through one on Monday, not particularly nervous.

I wasn’t bothered at all until they called me in.  While I transferred from chair to chair, the dental assistant put her hands on me. On my hips.  Without asking.  Now, I have a, shall we say, Can You Touch This? Questionnaire.

It goes like this:

Did I ask you to help me?

Are you any of the two people who made me?

Do I like you?

Are we friends?

Have we drank/laughed/slept together?

Are you my boyfriend?

If you can’t answer Yes to any of these questions, don’t touch me.  Even to help.  Because I lose my balance when people grab me.  Which doesn’t help.

I told her to let go and got into the chair.  And the dentist said ‘Well done!’ as if I was 3, and not nearly 30.

Getting back to the reason for my visit, even the novocaine jabs hurt, and most of it apparently landed on my tongue.  And I think the dentist got a little to drill-happy.  She said at one point, ‘Oh, look!  There’s still some left!’, and started drilling some more.

And I know that dentists like to talk to you when you can’t really speak.  I was expecting to nod in agreement when she said the weather was turning colder.  But she didn’t mention the weather.  She was more interested in how I took a shower in the morning.  With soap and water, like everyone else.    I didn’t smell of anything except maybe fear, so she had no reason to know my morning routine.

When she finally finished inflicting all kinds of pain, she asked, ‘How are you?’

‘…’Ine.  Ow ur oo?’   I then found my tongue, and said that what just happened was worse than two root canals.  It would have been better if she hadn’t slept through Small Talk 101 in dental school.

I went to the desk to get my 6 month appointment card.  And the receptionist asked if I lived in ‘sheltered housing’.   All housing is sheltered.  The walls, windows and roof keep my boyfriend and I sheltered from inclement weather and ignorant people.  Thanks so much for asking.  Have a nice day.

I came home and watched this.  Even though it hurt to laugh.

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9 thoughts on “The Dentist

  1. he he he… that was funny.

    My last dentist experience didnt happened on the office and it was a really, really good one (so good l repeated it 4 times). I couldnt find my tongue neither, but it wasn’t because the novocaine :)))

  2. I hate it when people are patronising! They’re like it a lot to me — they act like I’m 4 instead of 14. I mean, come on, just because I’m underage doesn’t mean I’m an idiot! My dentist is all right (though she took an xray and said she’d call me if there were … issues: don’t like the sound of that) but people in shops and stuff are so irritating! Grr! I feel sorry for you, I really do. People think just because you’re a bit lower down, your IQ is too. Bunch of idiots, the lot of them.

  3. Going to a dentist is bad enough; having experiences like that at one just adds to it. Would convince me to stay home, which is not a good reaction I know.

  4. I have childhood memories of having my mouth brutalized by a sadistic dentist. It wasn’t until my dad had an appointment with him for an extraction that the truth became known and my parents moved are accounts to a new and sane dentist. I fear some of them are sickos who love torturing people, especially kids.

  5. I really, really dislike going to the dentist. Only when it’s really, really necessary, will I go. Although I know there are many good and gentle dentists out there, I still feel very uncomfortable having my mouth probed. But I really like Bill Cosby, one of the greatest comedians, a smart comedian.

  6. Hi Lorna, thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi. You have a great story-telling voice and this post was an excellent example of that. Looking forward to your stories for the coming month!

  7. Found you on 20sb!

    What ridiculous and intrusive questions/behavior. Ugh. I am so sorry you had to go through that! I don’t know where people get the gumption to behave so rudely.

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